The Rammers’ Long Book Full of Short Stories

By the Rammers

Jack Smunch and John McDonald Save the Multiverse Part Two and a Half

By Rrrrider, Bashingdude, RoboticAzathoth, DarthJeebus, Tarkol, & Hasteful

The First of Us

In the beginning there were only 7 of us. We were surrounded on all sides by an impossibly large enemy force.

What force you may ask? The banana brigade. My name is Jack Smunch, and this is my story.

I woke up one day, in my barracks with my best friend in arms, John Mcdonald. He started rambling about some sort of army, but I just nodded off because it didn't make any sense to me.

I'm really stupid.

I got up from my bed and then got down from my bed. And then I became my bed, but only for a moment, and I was in great pain as a bed. Trust me.

I then ate John Mcdonald's $1 Mcdonald's hamburger.

Then I got on my Razer Gaming Sofa and started slamming some n00bs in Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, I finally beat my high-score of 109 smiles per miles!

John pulled out his impossibly large combine harvester and by that I mean his Johnson and he beat it with the strength of a thousand setting suns. The power and sheer size of his “might” merely attracted more enemies, which was not what he wanted.

I was almost defeated……… almost. But then my Mentore’s training came flooding back, and I felt at peace. “Master, forgive me,” I whispered under my breath, “I’m going to have to go all out just this once.” I slid my hidden blade out of my hidden hand and leaped up into the air like a basketball champ going for the slam dunk. I looked down upon the vast battlefield between my legs and sobbed lightly to myself… what a waste of perfectly good meat. I instinctually cocked my hidden 150mm Howitzer cannon and got ready to own some ignorant fools on the court. “Ally-oop for the slam-dunk, you racists!” I exclaimed as I lit up the no-man’s land before me. “Oh my god!” I heard one of the soldiers scream, “Look out!”

        “Actually,” I began, “I find the notion of an intelligent creator to be completely absurd.” I explained as I swiftly crushed the soldier’s skull with my hidden Ticonderoga-class cruiser. “If you actually think about it, there is no such thing as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, you spooked fools.” I started throwing my spare copies of The Ego and His Own at the soldiers left and right and up and down and diagonally, their velocity completely decapitating them. After completely depleting my munitions, I decided that it was high-time to begin flexing my muscles.

Suddenly, John’s enormous combine harvester exploded into a million particles, spreading throughout the battlefield like a vicious cloud of locusts, flooding the entire area. The enemy forces laughed, but they didn’t know that the joke was on them! Every single particle except for three were highly advanced nanobot-microorganisms which were designed to eat their body from the inside and defecate immediately, gradually but steadily replacing their insides with fecal matter.

After I looked up towards the sullen gray sky above the desolate battlefield, I realized that this entire journey has been nothing but an Assassin’s Creed III: The Tyranny of King Washington - The Betrayal. And that, my friends, brings us to this current moment in time. So I ask you one question, my fair feathered flock of funky freaks… on a scale of 1-10, how stuck are you?

The Grandest Adventure of All Time, The Most Engaging Story of All History, The Biggest Plot Twist of the Universe, The Book That Could Sell Millions.

By Hasteful

Duck, Duck…

        “Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck, duck, duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck. Duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck. Duck duck duck. Duck. Duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck duck. Duck. Duck duck duck, duck, duck duck, duck. Duck, duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck… duck duck duck, duck. Duck, duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck.

        “Duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck. Duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck. Duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck….

        “Duck. Duck duck. Duck. Duck, duck duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck, duck. Duck duck duck, duck. Duck. Duck duck, duck. Duck duck. Duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck. Duck. Duck, duck. Duck….

        “Duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck duck. Duck. Duck duck. Duck, duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck. Duck, duck, duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck…. Duck.

        “Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck. Duck duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck. Duck, duck, duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck. Duck. Duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck.

        “Duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck.

        “Duck.

        “Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck. D-duck….

        “Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck.

        “Duck duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck…. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck.

        “Duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck, duck.

        “Duck duck duck, duck duck, duck. Duck duck, duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck….

        “Duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck, duck.

        “Duck, duck duck.

        “Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck.”

        The boy stopped, his hand shaking violently, his mouth dry and his lungs burning. How long had he been playing this endless game of duck, duck, goose? Who could say for sure, it was all but forgotten by everyone involved. Nobody knew for sure how long it had been his turn, but they knew for sure that he would never stop. They knew that his turn would never, ever end.

        The players heads were bare, the friction of his rough skin against their unsuspecting heads eroding their hair follicles from existence. They were bald, bare, and afraid. Who would be picked? Would anyone be picked? How could this boy say duck so many times? Why were they still playing?

        “Duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck duck duck, duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck.

        “Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck.

        “Duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck.

        “Duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck. Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck.

        “Duck, duck duck duck duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck.

        “Duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck.

        “Duck duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck.

        “Duck….

        “Duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck duck. Duck. Duck duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck. Duck duck. Duck duck duck.

        “Duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck. Duck duck duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck duck duck duck. Duck.

        “Duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck. Duck duck, duck duck duck duck. Duck…. Duck. Duck duck duck. Duck, duck duck duck.

        “Duck duck, duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck duck, duck duck, duck. Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck.

        “Goose!”

        Could it be? Could it finally be over? Has this madness finally ended? The boy had finally said goose, so it must be. It must be coming to a close. But, the goose was not chasing him. What was happening? There was no reason to not pursue the boy, for he had chosen a goose. The boy was enraged. He felt cheated. He felt deceived. He had finally chosen a goose, and his goose would not chase.

        “Goose! Goose, goose goose! Goose! Goose goose goose, goose goose! Goose! Goose goose goose goose goose! Goose! Goose goose goose gose! Goose, goose goose goose, goose! Goose! Goose goose, goose goose, goose! Goose! Goose goose goose, goose, goose goose goose goose goose! Goose goose goose! Goose goose! Goose, goose! Goose, goose! Goose goose goose! Goose goose goose goose goose goose goose! Goose! Goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose!

        “Goose goose goose goose! Goose goose goose! Goose goose goose! Goose goose goose! Goose goose goose! Goose goose goose goose, goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose, goose!

        “Goose goose! Goose! Goose goose goose, goose goose goose, goose! Goose goose goose! Goose goose, goose! Goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose goose! Goose! Goose goose! Goose, goose goose goose! Goose! Goose! Goose! Goose! Goose! Goose!

        “GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE!

        “GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE!

        “GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE, GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE, GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE, GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE, GOOSE GOOSE, GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE!

        “GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE, GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE, GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE, GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE, GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE, GOOSE! GOOSE!

        “GOOSE! GOOSE, GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE!

        “GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE!

        “GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE!

        The boy was reduced to a screaming, sobbing mess. His hand pounded upon the head of the goose violently, his palm colliding again and again upon the bare head. He was rage incarnate. His voice dragged on, the word goose sounding alien and unfamiliar even to him, and his voice unrecognizable to his own ears. Why would the goose not provide chase? For what cause did the goose enrage the boy so? What did the goose have against the boy? What did it have to gain from his anguish? What possessed the goose to ignore his role?

        The boy, defeated, faltered. His body shook with exhaustion, his voice wavered, and his will gave way. He had lost, and the mannequins had won.

A Classic Love Story

By Rrrrider, Bashingdude, & Hasteful

Smelly Asmodeus: wah wah wah i’m a big ugly jerk.

Me: die stinker

SA: wah wah wah i’m dead

Me: ha i knew i was the chosen on.

SA: *smellies*

Ragnis: i was the real evil god all along hahahaha u fool its over prepare 2 die idiot

Me: oh no what a fool i have been who could have foreseen this great betrayal? Curse you rug-miss!

Ragsmis: yeah fuck u idiot *kills u* im the star of the show now

Matt (the doombon mister Extra sauce squimpy): Noooo ringsmoss!!!

Random racist: woah.

Me: *killeds*

Rogniss: oops sorry wrong person lmao…

Jeebus: *hits the bung*

The CountryInvestigativeAnimals: *arresteds* now we’ve caught you…. Devil incarnate… wkoopskingusle knew you were doing *drops* las drogas.

Jimmy?: *speaks in th(r)ough(japanese letters)t*

Matt: NO IM THE DM [parenthesis thank you come again exclamation comma], YOU WILL NOT CONTROL ME FOIWL BEATST (Rolls D20) BEAT THAT ROLL RONLISS

ragnis: no u(not)r not not not (rolls natural 351)

Me: *still po

opies deaders*

A Million Men March Into An Empty Room, Two Million Men March Out. What Happened?

By Hasteful

A Game For REAL Men.

        The buzzer sounded, and all three thousand, five hundred thirty nine men stopped abruptly. They stood in a ring, their ginormous boxer briefs all connected by a single ball of vanilla flavored yarn, unable to move for fear of tearing their extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra large Lute of the Froom underwear.

        Their sweat dried instantly as it fell from their minty fresh skin onto the blazing hot magma floor. The buzzer rang for what seemed like eternity. The sharp, piercing noise was infinitely louder than anything the men had ever heard before. It shook the cores of their very soul, the vibrations penetrating the depths of their deepest, darkest secrets, wringing free their subconscious minds. They trembled as their most terrifying repressed memories, from years of traumatic experiences living under the regime of a man composed of garden vegetables in a suburban neighborhood, were forced to light.

        “Jack…” the man slowly called out as the buzzer finally grew silent. “What… what the fuck was that, my dude?”

        Jack grew silent, despite the fact that he had been silent already, and his face glowed with the intensity of a thousand shadows. “That, my friend,” he started, but he never finished.

        Another alarmingly intrusive noise pierced the otherwise silent room, despite the fact that Jack had not been silent this time, but this time it was not a buzzer; it was the voices of three thousand, five hundred thirty nine women yelling quietly through three thousand, five hundred forty mouths.

        The three thousand, five hundred thirty nine men covered their seven thousand, seventy nine ears. Jack, in a futile attempt to yell over the overwhelming noise, called out to nobody in particular. “Wait, how are three thousand, five hundred thirty nine women yelling quietly through three thousand, five hundred forty mouths?”

        The three thousand, five hundred thirty nine women stopped suddenly, closing their three thousand, five hundred forty mouths. After a moment, one yelled in response. “Wait, how are three thousand, five hundred thirty nine men covering their seven thousand, seventy nine ears?”

        The three thousand, five hundred thirty nine men uncovered their three thousand, seventy nine ears slowly, uncertain of whether or not the silence could be trust. Jack, who had been waiting patiently for the noise to stop, answered them. “Of course, we’re covering our seven thousand, seventy nine ears with our eight thousand, eight hundred forty seven and a half hands.”

The silence grew cold immediately, as though all life and reason had been drawn from the world. Ice spread from Jack’s feet, covering the entirety of Earth’s surface with a sheen of ice two and a half millimeters thick. Trains were unable to stop, and crashed into millions of people protesting the treatment of authors of young adult dystopian novels. Every plane that was airborne was forced to continue flying until their supply of gasoline ran dry, and they plummeted to their deaths.

Disease and plague ran rampant, and the population of mankind surged as millions of fertile men and women slid into one another, accidentally having sex, many of which would end up homeless after being divorced for accidentally cheating on their spouses. Young boys were instantly turned gay, never again to appreciate the beauty of the female body. A new world order was formed. Alex Jones and his collection of gay frogs became royalty.

The woman finally spoke once again. “Oh, okay.” The two groups parted ways, never to see each other again. Seven of the men went on to be mighty heroes, and the rest went on to be actual useful people. The women went on to be stay-at-home fathers, which really confused their husbands, because they didn’t have kids, and they would have been mothers if they did. They also were unmarried.